Introduction - looking for some advice

[lowenzahn]

I'm new here :) I've been lurking for a week or so (and reading the blog archives) and had a short request if it's not too much trouble.

I've always been a believer in LC (though not always practiced it!) from a paleo perspective (I'm a biologist/evolutionist, and I love the technical, geeky correctness of it all). I also have a 6 month old daughter. I've recently gotten back into paleo as a life-style (really making the proper behavior modifications this time) both to set a better example for my daughter and to lose the baby weight (is it still 'baby weight' after six months? :o ).

I wasn't able to nurse her (probably due to poor diet, honestly), but she's been exclusively on a good formula up until now and is just starting to eat solids. She loves fruits and vegetables, and is starting to develop a taste for meat.

My question is how to handle my relatives. Bless them, they mean well, but kids don't "need" carbohydrates to thrive - they need nutrients. I know this, I've researched this, but how do I get this across to them.

To exacerbate things, I live with my parents and I'm a single mom, so not only are they always there, they're also very conscious of the fact that I have no partner and she has no father, so I get a lot of well-meaning advice. For the most part, they are very, very respectful, and I don't know what I'd do without them. The problem is particularly my mother and grandmother, who are rabid carb-addicts. Less so my grandmother since we don't see her as much, but she's tried to feed my daughter soda!! Cheerwine, to be exact, at six months old!! Mom at one point thought nothing of putting a piece of nougat from a candy bar in her mouth so she could gum it.

I know they're just trying to "treat" her, and mom particularly is very, very, very carb-addicted. High-carb food makes her happy, and the only reason she wants to give my daughter sweets is to share that with her. The high carb food is also what makes her unhealthy, chronically lethargic and overweight.

So here's the conundrum -- how do I do this without being a self-righteous harpie? I would never in any way want to insult my mother, even if it was just by pointing out the truth. Is there any information out there, scientific studies, about carb intake in children? I don't want to make this about my mother and her eating habits and lifestyle -- she knows the facts, she chooses to ignore them, and that's her right -- but if I get too passionate about my daughter's health, she very well might take it as a personal insult. She's very type-A, and suggestions of any "superiority" to what she is/does are taken very personally and voraciously rebutted. Of course, this passion and confidence is what has allowed her to overcome all she has overcome, and it's part of what I love about her, but it makes it a little hard to "agree to disagree" with her.

Mom and I have not had a great relationship in the past, and we're just now really developing a good repoire - I don't want to ruin that. If it comes down to a big blow-out, then I'll just have to tell it to her straight (I'm not a people-pleaser, even if it's people I love), but I have to live with this woman, and I do love and respect her very much. Any advice on how to avoid or head off this mess?

I know it may not seem like much of an issue to some, but you don't know my mother :rolleyes: Fortunately, I've been blessed with the same bull-headed gene, so my daughter's health will prevail -- that I'm not worried about -- I just don't want my relationship with my mother to suffer for it.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, especially if your family is also of the "sturdy mountain stock" that considers biscuits and gravy a complete meal. TIA :D

[Mitra]

Welcome :).

I'm afraid I don't have any great insight on how to handle families - I'm still working on my own ;). I know that my mother would accept it if I just told her this was the way I wanted to do it. She might think I was insane, but she'd accept it, and without much argument. Maybe someone with experience of more resistant parents can help.

[Ammy]

Yikes!! I don't have children so only have to fight the carb-addicts offering ME food...but that won't stop me from chiming in!!!

It sounds like you have two approaches.

1. Sit your mother down, tell g'ma that you love her, but you'd want to raise baby with your beliefs around food, and ask her to refrain. This approach doesn't mean anything will change at all, but at least you will know you have tried (I assume you have done this already...). Then when she offers the food you can either reprimand your mother, roll your eyes, or ignore it. :rolleyes:

2. Let it go. If you do most of the feeding of your baby, and she gets the occasional carb "treat", I'm not sure it would hurt her. If you (as she gets older) make her feel like the food G'ma eats is "bad", then she may WANT it even more which is opposite of what you want...emulate how good the way YOU eat is, and then eating like you will be natural for her.

As sad as it is, I really think that choosing what/how your child will eat is almost like religion. You do your best to pass on what you believe, but they will need to eventually make their own choices, and your job is to love them no matter which way they turn.

Okay...childless adult is done adding $.02.

Welcome!!!

[gitfiddle]

Good luck to you! I think Amy's advice was practical. The only other thing you could do is move out, which is probably not an option. I was the famly "harpy" at that time in my life and it made eyeballs roll. I will spare you the stories.

[Tresses]

Amy pretty much covered all I would've said. :thumbsup: All I can think to add is, can you make the carby options in your house healthier? Would your mom be willing to go for less white flour/sugar, more whole grain?

Best wishes to you as you work this out. :)

[lowenzahn]

Thanks everyone :)

I think mom and I have reached an understanding, and I think you're right, Amy -- I don't want to make anything "forbidden fruit" so to speak, that will just create more problems down the road. We'll see how it works out.

Thanks again :)

[e*nice]

Hey LZ,

I really understand what you're going through.

Eating is such a charged issue for so many families. SO heavy - so meaningful and it carries such history!

Here are a few ideas:

Blame it on your doctor. Like this, "Sharing sweets with ___ doesn't seem like such a big deal, I know, but her pediatrician insists that she have no sugar until she's at least two. It's going to be hard, but I think I can do it, with your help."

Be a good example. If you really invest in the lc lifestyle and it works for you (you look and feel better and healthier) then your parents will see and realize you have an inside track on something good! Maybe they'll join you, who knows.

And lastly, it's okay if your baby is exposed to sugar, grain, etc. We know it's not the healthiest stuff in the world, but, at least for myself, I will say that I came to have such problems with the stuff because I ate so much of it. I binged on sugar and wheat products, totally overloading and wearing out my gut. I think a baby or child's system can deal with smaller amounts every once in a while and be totally fine. If you are too strict, you will do emotional damage that your kid will have to struggle with.

I read once that kids whose parents strictly restrict sugar intake rebell by eating sugar whenever they can get it. At a birthday party, the kids whose sugar isn't restricted will eat as much of their birthday cake as they want, then leave the rest and go off to play. The kids who aren't allowed sweets will eat every last bit of cake on their plates and then eat what's left on the kid's plates who've gone off to play. I know which kind of kid I was!

My goal, with my own children, is to have them eat mostly healthy, protein and fat based meals, but to be comfortable and familiar with sweets so they don't fetishize them.


Long winded advice, but truly heartfelt. Good luck!

[laughingW]

Thanks everyone :)

I think mom and I have reached an understanding, and I think you're right, Amy -- I don't want to make anything "forbidden fruit" so to speak, that will just create more problems down the road. We'll see how it works out.

Thanks again :)
There are some great tips in DesMaisons' "Little Sugar Addicts." Her approach is to teach the whole family, the consequences of drug-like food on little bodies. And the biochemistry Perhaps you can make it a family project as the little one gets bigger.

Your mom can make it about the little one and you can continue not to talk about er, um, not wanting DD to be lethargic and overweight. My 2 DDs talk frankly about this now but I bet they wouldn't have wanted to if I didn't.

Kids as young as 2 can learn what is protein food. And they can tell you how they feel, physically and emotionally, after what they eat. so by the time a kid is 4 or 5, honest they can tell you they don't like being out of control and weepy when coming down from a sugar high, like after a birthday party or having a 20 ounce coke on an empty stomach at the zoo. One kid I know said "Mom I don't like being like that." Another little girl got a cupcake at school and said thank you and held it to eat with lunch where she knew the impact would be less. At 6 years old. And they can learn to take a polite bite and not have a ton.